Gifts for the Holiday Season
Stereo Coat A coat wired for sound. This is one step removed from the t-shirt/mp3 player I want to invent, where a graphic associated with the song you were listening to would show up on the front of the t-shirt. Imagine how cool you will be as you slowly freeze to death in an avalanche listening to 'Don't Fear the Reaper' over and over until you run out of oxygen.

Knives and more knives! Every kitchen needs to have something like this. You need to have more knives than you have purposes for the knives. My one regret about this item is there aren’t any 10 inch knives. Those look real threatening when held high over your head.

Freaky Desk Thing What the hell is this? A desk organizer? Looks like an ashtray gone all crazy.

Glass Tube Thingy Incense burner or hooka?

Candy From Your Youth From Boston Baked Beans to Sugar Babies, you can get ‘nostalgia candy’ right here. Freshness not guaranteed!

Stress Reliever For the golfer with everything but a good game. Ahh, this is the heighth of civilization when we can stress over a game. Am I missing something, I thought leisure sports were supposed to be, I don’t know, leisurely?

A Sweet Surprise Yay, a tool set! I can finally build those bookshelves!  Damn, chocolate hammer and nails!  Why do you play with my emotions like this?

Countdown A quick reminder of how long you have until you no longer can be irresponsible. Who am I kidding, you'll still be irresponsible long after this thing hits zero.  This gift will be loathed by many.

A 'Racy' Candle When I think NASCAR, I think candles.  Doesn't everyone?

The first sign you need help If you are buying this book for yourself, perhaps you should reconsider the whole breeding issue. If you are buying it for someone else, maybe a book on abstinence would be a better option.

Get back at God An "Angel’s Fly"  metal block. Whee! I guess you could always use it to throw at someone.  I’m confused by this gift because the saying, "Angel’s Fly, because they take themselves lightly," evokes images of clouds, feathers, wings, and mirth, yet the gift is a heavy unimaginative block of metal used to hold down things, preventing them from flying away. Are they really saying, Angels fly, etc, but with this thing you can hold them down? How sinister!

What can you really say about these?  Footless shoes? What’s next, handless gloves? Oh well, they are kind of sexy.