onion.gif (1378 bytes)
by staff writer

Mr. Ryan Biggs of Townsend, Montana is one of the many loyal readers of The Onion on the web. According to Ryan Biggs, The Onion has consistently provided top rate humor, until last Wednesday. "I don’t know what happened. I surfed over to the website like I normally do on Wednesdays and I just read though the satirical and humorous articles like I normally do, but I never laughed. Not once."

When contacted for comment, senior writer Todd Hansen speaking for The Onion shook his head in shame. "As we were writing it, we knew we were in deep water. Normally we are rolling on the floor, but everything seemed so serious. Let’s face it, how many times can you poke fun at Bush? " Todd did go further in clarifying all that The Onion has accomplished in its tenure as the leader in news satire.

"Under our watch, we’ve lampooned and effectively eliminated racism in America. The War on Drugs has collapsed, and there are fewer single guys living with their parents than ever before in the past one hundred years."

When asked about the lead story with the headline '12 Die in Turnpike Pile Up' Todd teared up. "It was such a tragedy. The whole staff felt that the event deserved some respect." Unfortunately for Ryan Biggs and many other loyal readers, stories about unfunny wars and traffic accidents weren’t what they were expecting.

Ryan Biggs explains, "I was having a really bad day. My boss had just yelled at me for not refiling some client papers and I had just about had it. I was ready to storm out of the office, but I remembered it was Wednesday and a good dose of humor from The Onion was exactly what I needed."

With headlines like 'Infant abandoned in Dumpster', 'Israeli-Palestinian War continues', and 'US literacy rate at all time low' Ryan couldn't find the chuckle he needed and ended up quitting his job.

"Thanks, Onion, thanks a lot." Ryan was so disgusted by the lack of humor he says he deleted the bookmark in his browser. When asked where he will find his laughs he bluntly said, "If I can't trust The Onion to be funny, then I can't trust anyone."