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In September, the Chicago Archdiocese appointed a full time exorcist to tend to the demon inflicted. We have through nefarious means, collected information on this Holy Office’s first five assigned exorcisms in Chicago.

Chicago River
For a very long time now a cover up has been afoot regarding the river. First, the city claims it engineered a reversal of the flow of the river. A likely story. Second, the city claims it dyes the river green for St. Patrick’s Day every year. The truth of the matter is the river is green, normally, or more appropriately, abnormally. The Archdiocese has asked to remove the demon that has inflicted itself upon the river.

The Chicago Cubs
Cursed for not allowing a goat inside the stadium, the Cubs have had a consistent losing streak. They fail to actually reach the World Series at every opportunity. While bad management is rumored to be the real cause, the Archdiocese has made an exorcism of the Cubs a top priority for the new demonologist.

The John Hancock Building
The supposed birthplace of Anton leave, it is known that December is a dangerous year to live in the Hancock building, just ask Chris Farley. The black monolith is one of the top ten tallest buildings in the world and located right on top of the famed Water Tower that survived the Chicago fire. It is impressive in scale and in evil. The new exorcist has been asked to monitor the demon activity surrounding the building.

Chicago Parking
The theory is Chicago has enough public parking for 1.5 million cars. The reality is Chicago needs parking for 3 million cars. To keep 1.5 million cars on the road, the freeway system has been designed to keep motorists sitting in traffic for hours on end. While this may sound like a conspiracy theory, the reality is this situation has been caused by demonic possession of certain city planners. The Archdiocese has charged their number one demon fighter with finding out which ones are possessed, cure them of their affliction, and fix this infernal parking problem.

Small Town Complex
One of the massive demonic influences in Chicago has altered, severely altered, the perceptions of those people living in Chicago. The entire Chicago region has over 12 million people, is considered the third largest city in the United States, yet everyone living in this region believe Chicago is just a small town. This demonic influence is clearly trying to distort the reasoning ability of everyone living in Chicago. When Chicago has to face things like liquor licenses it acts as if it were a prurient backwater hick town. But when it comes to basic city bureaucracy, it acts as if it were the Imperial Seat. The Archdiocese in Its most benevolent act, wants the exorcist to remove this demonic influence that has so severely polluted the perception of the people and return Chicago to a real city status, with all the positives and negatives that come with it.

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