2/27/2001
Fear of Flying
I'm slowly figuring it out.It was about a year and a half ago that I realized I have a fear of success and that I intentionally sabotage myself. As an example, whenever I get financially stable, I freak out, stop paying bills, important bills, get my phone disconnected for non-payment and start from scratch rebuilding what I already had. I couldn't come up with a reason why I would do this to myself. Fundamentally, I probably have the biggest ego that anyone ever could have. My self-confidence is like the tide, ebbing and ripping on a regular schedule. When it comes to taking stupid dumb risks that offer no real reward, I have no problem (nothing to lose, nothing to gain). But when it comes to risks that might actually reap some benefit, forget it, I won't dare do it. An example is the idea of going into business for myself. I've already proven to myself that I am capable of earning money working on my own, but I just won't commit to it. Why? Fear of success. It struck me yesterday why I have a fear of success, and I blame the Greeks. In the story of Daedalus and Icarus, Daedalus built two sets of wings for him and Icarus, his son to fly out of the labyrinth. Daedalus warns his son not to fly too high as the heat from the sun would melt the wax which held the feathers on the wings. But Icarus, feeling the freedom of flight, couldn't help but push the envelope and attempt to fly as high as he could. Icarus's actions led directly to his inevitable death as he crashed into the sea below. I fear success because I fear the fall. The lesson I should have learned from that story was wrong. Icarus died happy, having felt an exhiliration few could ever have felt, but all I see was he died. These are slow revelations to me which might have been obvious to others. I also don't expect any overnight changes in my behavior or attitude. Understanding the obstacles is the first step. Learning to overcome the obstacles is the second step.
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