Sean's Journal
Write Me

Being passionate about something would give me a two-fold financial bonus. One, if I am passionate about it, I can make my career directed towards it and be willing to do what it takes to be successful at it. Right now, the idea of being a successful 'computer guy' just doesn't seem that great to me. Two, if I am passionate about it, I can write about it for magazines and get even more money. Whee!

So, during my breaks today, I'm going to list out all my interests, all my desires, and see which give the best cost/benefit ratio. It's time to get this engine cranking. Of course, what I think I am most afraid of is I have a passion for making lists of things I want to accomplish and then not doing them. Is there a market for procrastinators and people of 'good intention'? I don't think so. How about a market for someone who works dilligently until he is bored with the work and then slacks off horribly? How about a position for a guy who doesn't have a nose for details, sees the big picture, gripes about it, pretends to take action, but ends up watching 4 hours of "datetime TV" because he likes watching girls act like floozies? Maybe I should become a manager at Hooters. Maybe my life's passion is watching PBS programs about Existentialism thinking, "Yeah, I should act upon MY perceptions of the world instead of how other people perceive it" only to fully realize that I will never do that because that require too much conflict. I hate unnecessary conflict. When the grocery store rings up something for too much and it is less than a dollar, I let it go. Yep, I'm saying it is okay to rip me off so long as it is under a few bucks. I rationalize it as they've most likely made the mistake in my favor in the past or will in the future and it isn't worth holding up the line, ruining everyone else's afternoon, arguing about 50 cents.

I never send food back in restaurants. My life is too short to make waves. But if I don't make waves, I end up eating more than my fair share of crappy, ill-prepared food. Ahh, sweet nihilism, I see now why I find you so attractive. There are no win-win situations, it is all lose-lose, you just have to decide how you want to lose. Is it worth it making a fuss? Does the increased heart rate, the feelings of anger improve your life or shorten it? Does eating bad food ruin your life or temporarily give it a down note? Fundamentally, I don't care about money. Yes, yes, I love having it, I want lots of stuff, but I do realize buying/having has never made me happy. I was just as happy/unhappy when I had zero furniture, eating rice and beans every night for a month, cashing in pennies and selling cds to buy tokens to ride the train to work. I was happy because I didn't know any better. I still had friends, we still did stuff, and everything was cool.

Back to the topic at hand, finding my passion. What do I love more than anything else that is worthwhile pursuing? I need something that makes me want to talk to other people about it. I need something that makes me want to go to conventions, network, and make a central part of my life.

I smell a New Year's Resolution coming....