Sean's Journal
Write Me

I dare say there are only two people on the face of this planet who understands my workings inside and out, all my nasty secrets, and they are held to the strictest of confidences. It is a workable model, other people should pick up on it.

Of course, it takes a lot of effort to wear so many different masks. To my boss, I am hyper-spiritual, almost a minister in her book. Which, not to brag, says a lot from a minister's daughter. She is highly involved with her church, in the process of becoming a deacon. She and I talk a lot about the Bible and apart from my slip up recenty confusing Peter and Paul (how could I confuse the Rock versus the other guy) I far outstrip her knowledge. I have the benefit of having read the Gnostic Gospels, knowing the existence of the Gnostic texts, and having read critical analysis of the Bible from esteemed people like Camille Paglia. To my fellow co-workers I am the dangerous guy with the short fuse who knows the answer to every question. On September 11 I had people seeking me out to ask about what was going on. I consistently get asked about current events. To my coworkers, I am the go to guy. From interest rates to medical questions - they come to me. To my friends in Montana, I have no idea how they see me. I recall once when I was with Dan Swensen and I had to stop into the Guidance Counselor office to request something or other and he commented later that he never so me so polite before. I was startled because I thought I was always polite. That was the first time I realized I wore many different masks. It is in my nature to try to meet people on their ground instead of drag them to my ground. Not that I fully know what my ground is.

Yes, this is a bit rambling and I don't know if I have a point. To my friends in Illinois, I really don't know how they see me. They had the unfortunate of sort of witnessing my mental meltdown. Not exactly depression (as I get that every once in a while). It was a full scale "None of you can understand, I hate everything in my life, go away" cry for help. I can admit right now that what I wanted was everyone to rally round and let me know they cared. That didn't happen. I chalk it up to the fact that my friends are smart, saw through the pathetic cry for attention and didn't respond because it would reward bad behavior. In a way I'm glad they did, but they got to see a really ugly side of my I rather they didn't see. I showed them my scars as I spent almost every weekend slicing into my chest with a razor blade. Physical pain was such a wonderful distraction from the emotional pain.

The point is, I wear many masks, and I expect others to do the same. It makes life easier in the long run, even if you have the occasional melt down in movie theater parking lots (i.e. Savannah [an ex-girlfriend] and I met my friends Tal, Nada, and Alyx to see a movie. Sav and I were with her friend Danielle, Charles, and a friend of Charles. Nothing went right. I believe the movie was Star Trek: First Contact and after the second movie theater was sold out I was on the edge. Why? Because I was supposed to have organized the whole mess. When the evening broke, we were about to go our seperate ways. I don't know the exact details, but all I knew was I didn't want any imposition to come upon Tal, Nada, or Alyx. That imposition would come in the form of Danielle, as she - a good hearted person - was incredibly rude and lacking in the basic mechanisms to function in a semi-rational method in social situations. So it comes that it is easier for Tal, Nada, and Alyx to take Danielle home than any other plan. This freaks me out for some reason and I have a bona fide temper tantrum in the parking lot. Thank god for Nada. I'm sure Savvy was confused as hell at the time, but Nada seemed to grasp the whole situation. I still don't feel right, but Nada helped bring me back to a more calm, rational mindset. Charles was normally a big dick, but as he drove Sav and I back home, he was able to put me at ease regarding my complete freakout).

So, to hopefully bring this rambling to an end, when one segment of my life intermingles too much with another segment of my life, I get leary. I wanted to introduce my friend Regina to my friend Eric Haney because I think they would really hit it off. Regina is a wonderful person that I work with that deserves the most wonderful things in the world and Eric is a friend from college who, while questionable in certain areas, would definately treat Regina right. Yet, something psychologically prevented me from inviting Eric to the party so they could meet. Regina said she would love to meet/date one of my friends as she seems to think I'm a good judge of character. Why would I deny a friend happiness? Because it would complicate my life.

What this boils down to is the fact Friend A has entangled too much with possible friend B which may cause difficulties with friend C. UGH! Yet, my life would be much easier if I could break down all the walls, let the cherry cobbler mingle with the gravy and corn. How will that taste?