Sean's Journal
Write Me

This time around, I've done a fairly good job at this, stayed focus, really concentrated on paying my bills, and have tried to do the things that make me feel good (sitting around watching movies is one of them and I got to do that yesterday).

I feel like I can sense the light, yet I'm still trapped. I imagine how a butterfly must feel right before emerging from the cocoon. It has wings, it is ready to fly, it has nature's imperative to flutter from flower to flower, but it is trapped inside this tiny structure. How like a coffin it must feel, it truly must feel like it is the end. Dramatic change sometimes feels like everything has ended, yet the butterfly must know it isn't the end, because when the cocoon cracks, it emerges to fulfill its needs. I feel like I'm right in that stage. I feel like I just need to crack the chrysalis that surrounds me and I can move with greater freedom.

I think I'm suffering from a mild form of cabin fever also. Mild enough that I really didn't have any urge to go outside this weekend even though it was beautiful - my desire this weekend was to do nothing, a desire that never comes to fruition because my girlfriend doesn't like to do nothing and needs to do something. Technically speaking, I should be able to do nothing wherever I am, but that never really works out. I wanted to do specific nothing. I wanted to play my computer games, make bread, make phone calls, write, draw, listen to music, and 'hang out'. I don't get to hang out anymore. Something always has to be done. Whether it is chasing the cat off the table (its warm enough, time to break out the squirt gun), taking out garbage, doing laundry, emptying the dishwasher, filling the dishwasher, sweeping the floors, taking out garbage, cleaning the litterbox....agh. Anyone of these tasks really doesn't take long at all. But I build them up to be such labors, that Hercules himself would find them onerous.

Next weekend will be a four day weekend for me. I am going to a Siouxsie and the Banshees concert Sunday night, took Monday and Tuesday off. I don't know what Therese will want to do on Monday, but the most I'm going to be up for is going to the store for stuff to make a cat tree. Tuesday is all mine. I'm getting up early, making a big breakfast of meat, more meat, and pancakes - coffee and juice, toast and jam. I'm going to go for a jog to burn off breakfast. Hopefully it will be around 8:00am at this point and I can begin playing Dark Ages of Camelot for four hours. At noon I'll hike down to the comic book store and buy the comics I always want to buy but never do. The afternoon will be spent reading, maybe writing, probably doing some laundry, and undoubtedly a nap. I'll then go through Morpheus and MP3.com, as well as my own collection to create a mix cd which I'll call, "Songs for the Hero". If I'm feeling frisky, I'll attempt to do some DJ mixing. I had an idea of taking classical funerary dirges and mixing them with a junglebeat. Is this the dawn?