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15 minutes as a Corpse Dr. A. Mous Ever want to be a corpse? It's not a threat, just a question. I remember in my youth playing funeral with my cousins. There had been a death in the family, a great aunt. All the younger kids were taken to a relative's house so we would be spared from the long boring ceremony at the funeral home and the internment procedures at the grave. As a child, I really didn't want to go to a place that required me to speak softly, sit for a long time, listen to droning adults talk about this woman I had met just once. On the other side, I didn't relish the idea of spending the day with my cousins. I can't recall exactly how it was decided, but we began to act out what we thought was going on at the funeral. One cousin was the corpse. Another was the minister. The rest of us were the mourners, crying over the loss of a loved one. Oh, how we lamented our loss and wailed at the injustice of heaven for taking one so young, not even close to peaking. All of this vocal bereavement soon caught the attention of the relative in whose care we were entrusted. She was not too pleased with our behavior and we received a long lecture about respecting the dead. While playing our morbid game, I got this weird urge. I wanted to be the corpse, with all my relatives around me, crying, telling each other how wonderful I was and how much they would miss me. That night, I went to sleep thinking about being a corpse. I laid perfectly still, trying not to breathe. Pretending to be dead became an obsession. I practiced daily: shallow breathing, not moving, and keeping my eyes closed without squinting. This obsession never progressed any further. My fantasies of having yearly funerals for myself never manifested and my promises to myself to learn everything about the funeral process went unfulfilled. Other interests imposed themselves into my life (family, money, etc.). But I never really stopped pretending to be dead. In college, whenever I became stressed, I'd lay down on cushions on the floor and be dead. Understand, I never thought about how I would die, only being dead, so it all really was quite serene. I realize it was also very escapist of me. Similar to an ostrich sticking its head in the sand. The benefits were worth it, though. Scaring the daylights out of my roommate alone would have made the bizarre habit worth the humiliation of explaining what I was doing. Other side effects were also apparent. Currently, it is fairly common to talk about visualization to help you attain your goals. When I was doing all my pretending and role playing, the concept of visualization was some psychiatric voodoo. Of course, now, it is clear that I was going through a proactive meditation and visualization process. In an effort to dispense useful information, I will walk through this unique meditation method to demonstrate how pretending to be dead can improve your life. Step One: The Coffin Every corpse needs a resting place. Ideally, it will be unlike a real coffin in that it will be soft. A nice long couch is the best, or your bed if nothing else is handy. A real coffin with a soft lining would be terrific, but plopping down several thousand dollars for a cheap thrill is an activity for the insanely wealthy. Dress comfortably. While I like to dress the part of the corpse, I avoid clothing that will cut off circulation in my limbs. Cramped shoes, tight belts, and strangling ties or necklaces make for a very uncomfortable funeral. Everything about where you are should induce comfort. Not too cold, not too warm, the perfect 'Goldilockian' Coffin. Step Two: The Funeral Parlor Turn out the lights, close the shades, light some candles, and while you are at it, get some flowers. It's your funeral, go out with style! Funerals are seldom held in brightly lit rooms with lots of windows. Too much light makes the corpse seem, well, dead. There also shouldn't be a lot of noise. Maybe some organ or soft choir music to help set the scene, but if it distracts you, go with silence. After all, when we are committed to the Earth, all we will have is sweet silence. Step Three: Viewing the Body This is when you begin the process of becoming the corpse. Slow your breathing, prevent yourself from moving, and begin to imagine being at the funeral home with friends and family walking by you, mumbling prayers for your safe passage. Open your mind to the possibilities as you remove yourself from the world of the living into the world of the dead. Step Four: The Eulogies At this point, you should be completely relaxed and comfortable in your role as a corpse. Now imagine what will be said about you. Since it is your fantasy, go to extremes and hyperbolize. Personally, I've never been to a funeral where people got up and bad mouthed the corpse. Even the most common person will have amazing deeds heralded at the funeral. Also, remember that you don't necessarily have to remark on events that have taken place, but you can and should imagine events that will or might take place. Feel free to discover new medicines, have friends and family extoll your philanthropic nature. Have old high school chums tell everyone how they knew you would achieve fantastic things. And my personal favorite, imagine someone crying how God took you from this realm because you were too good! Step Five: The Burial In my humble opinion, this step really should be skipped. Everything I've read and been told, suffocation is not a pleasant experience. All in all, the whole process shouldn't take longer than 15 minutes. Less than that and you really don't get the full benefit of the visualization. Your have to give enough time to really search out the obscure details of what you will accomplish in your life. Longer than 15 minutes and you risk falling asleep. This was how I scared my roommate, laying on cushions on the floor, dressed for the part, candles and flowers surrounding me, and a cross in my hand; I had fallen asleep. |
